“Take me back to the start
When you captured my heart
You became my closest friend
Said you’ll be there till the end
And I know that I was wrong
When I told you everything
But there is one thing I kept
In the deepest part of me”

I tried so hard..

So it’s a new year! And I’m still feeling the same. This uneasy feeling. I hate it. I hate that I can’t trust tyler. I want to but I just can’t because he lied to me. Not once but twice. He doesn’t try to understand how I feel or even see anything from my point of view. Then I just ask myself.. Why put myself through this.. Idk):

It’s so hard to sleep at night.. And when I finally do.. I don’t ever want to get up. In my sleep, I don’t feel the pain as much.. Except for yesterday when inhad a bad dream leading to real emotions attached with the dream. I hate those. I woke up with my heart beating fast. I wanted to share my dream with him because I felt like the dream was telling me to give up. When I talked to him about my dream.. I think he was telling me to give up too.. I can’t see him until New Years.. It’ll be our one year together. It still means a lot to me.. I just made one big fat mistake and he makes me suffer like this. He lied to me.. And no doubt I gave him the chance to prove himself. I never really asked for a chance because I felt like I proved myself enough.. 3 months I went crying myself to sleep because he was telling me he has to find himself.. There was really no reason for him to do what he did to me. He finally outta nowhere decdided he knew what he wanted. And that was to be with me.. And I took him back within a heart beat but still with doubt. Because if you love someone, you shouldn’t hurt them so much… And I was just really doubtful about him staying. So I picked fights and argued to test our relationship. I think I was testing it. And it always goes wrong. Was it selfish of me to want to join him and his family for Christmas? Would it have hurt anyone? And now I’m just suffering from my own pain because it’s always my fault. How can he be the one to say he’s hurt and needs time.. When I’m shattered. What is there to heal for him.. He finally has control over this relationship.. And it just ain’t right. Why does he get to call all the shots… Why does this ALWAYS happen to me. It’s not like it’s my first time being in this situation… But it’s my first time ever, trying to make it work. If it’s over then just say it. Don’t keep telling me to give it time and space when it’ll go nowhere.

I’m going to start on a project :) just to keep myself positive and really just.. Try one last time but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to win. I can’t win his heart anymore. Everything really came crashing down and I’ve got nobody to blame but myself. I did this to myself. I couldnt let go of my ego. I didn’t want to seem weak.. So I said some harsh things that I didn’t mean… And it sucks because I always try so hard and ruin it for myself..): I don’t even know what to do anymore. I love him and I know I want to be with him but o blew it.. He said he’s not going to ask me out again.. Because of the things I said but didn’t mean.. What’s new though? I’m back to where I left off before we even started talking.. Miserable. There’s many things I regret.. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ll have to live with my consequences…

TRN…still.

Christmas

What do you know.. Christmas alone.. Haven’t had Christmas alone for about a good three years.. Ha. I remember being home alone but I always had someone to talk to on the phone to keep me company. We would flip through channels and agree on one and watch it together over the phone. That’s what I remembered from being alone today. Sometimes I wonder.. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together since I keep saying I want to break up then get back together.. Iono. But Christmas alone.. Lol I remembered plucking my eyebrows in my moms room.

hi :] seeing your msg made me smile like ::::::] alienx’s10 anyways. i don’t even know what to say haha! but umm you make me happpyx63124564015615612323(= Iwould have never thought that I’d be here like this today. Mmmm, good thing. But yeah. you’re wonderful. don’t change on me): Ilikeyoumore.(: EMZ (haha..)

lmao. ………………. FUNNY HOW THINGS CHANGE.

Life hasn’t been as well as I thought it would. I’ve been tryin so hard to save my relationship with Tyler now. He wanted me to finally show that I care, show him that I love him. I am doing so. but it just doesn’t seem good enough anymore. Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel.

OH OH OH

‘I miss wordpress)= I’ve been using tumblr. :X

i hate boyfriends. they’re way to complicated.